thinking...

So last night I went back to church...
It was the first time I've gone in a while. Since my cousin left for basic training.
But last night my pastor closed the service with this question:
"What has being Christian cost you?"

It reminded me of why I started going to church to begin with. Manchester Christian Church... My ex had brought me one day, and i fell in love with it. And I was in love with him. Unfortunately, he moved to Florida, and I made a bunch of promises that I couldnt keep. But last summer my cousin got me going back to church. Shiloh Ministeries is now my home church. But what Dave said last night really got me thinking... What have I given up to be Christian?

Today, I realized that a lot of friendships I could have kept, I ended up losing because they didnt have the same values that i do. A lot of romantic relationships I've given up because they werent christian and didnt have the same values that I do.

But on that same note... Kevin is not a christian. He goes with me to church to support me and because he isn't judged there, and because he finds it kind of "cool." But he is not saved. And I dont plan on giving him up. So does that mean I'm choosing my boyfriend over my religion, when my ex boyfriend is the one that brought me into the light and essentially saved me?

I'm so lost right now, and I need God's will to help me find my way back. Please, comment on this if you can understand... And i will pray for you.

Love

Love

Written Senior Year.
Dedicated to my Someone Special.

Can things really be this good?
Can life really be turning out to be ok?
Are you real?
Is it ok to turn on the light?
Will you still be here when I do?

Somethings happening
Somethings happening on the inside of me.
Somethings changing
Who I thought I was gonna be.

I just wanna be with you tonight
and hold you close in my arms.
I just wanna be with you tonight
And never let you go.

I'll never let you fall.
I'll never let you down
You can always count on me
Because I'm sticking around.

I love you.
Now and Forever.
I love you.
Until my very last heart beat.

My Future

My Future.

My future will be better than my past. But up until today, I wasn't so sure of that. My soon to be mother-in-law helped me to realize something today. That even though my family has never been there for me, I kept going. On my own. Making me a much stronger indivigual than I would have been if my parents did carry my hand through everything. I learned much more on my own. And I turned myself around. And that right there is what will make my future bright and successful.
I will be getting married later this year, to the love of my life and the head cheerleader of my support team, Kevin. He and his family have helped me through so many obstacles in my life, and they are the ones that have made themselves available for me when I needed them. I will also be graduating high school with High Honors this year, and also with ROTC Honors. I am a leader now, and I will be a leader for the rest of my life, as I plan to join the US Army, and when I go up for reenlistment in 6 years I plan to take my G.I. Bill and go to college for either creative writing, or Music Education.
I will have a family. And I will let them know everyday how much I love and care for them. I will be there when they need me like they have been there when I needed them. I will be a hard worker, successful, and I will be reliable, responsible, caring, and respectful. I will be strong. And I will be happy.
My future will be better than my past because of the people in it. And because I refuse to let my past dictate who and what I will be in my future.

To everyone who has been there for me time and time again, THANK YOU!!!!! I'm so glad that you were. And I promise I will not let you down.
<3

My Present

My Present.

In my last post you read about my life up until this exact point. I'm halfway through my senior year of high school. Well... Theres a lot to say about my present, but in order to do that I have to go into my past a little bit (Not long, just a few months ago. I promise this isnt in the last entry!)
Back in September I was on my computer feeling down about my home situation, and how my relationship was with my parents, and I decided that I wanted someone to talk to about it. So I went on a random add spree on my myspace page, and I came across this intresting XBox profile. I thought "Hey, XBox is cool, maybe so will this kid." So I added him.
His name is Kevin. And he accepted my friend request right away and messaged me saying these exact words: "Hey thx for the add :) im always happy to meet new ladies dont be afraid to hit me up whenever your on and I wont hesitate either."
So I took him up on his offer, and we soon exchanged cell phone numbers, and started texting and talking on the phone and getting to know each other. Then he invited me to meet him and his family. So my cousin brought me over, after my brilliant directions got us lost and on the other side of town and he and his mom came and got us... And I spent the afternoon with him and his parents, and we started dating.
Well, next week is our 4 month, and I feel so incredibaly blessed, and lucky, and fortunate to have met him and his parents. I call his parents mom and dad, and they treat me as if I were their own daughter. They bring me to doctors appointments and occupational therepy appointments, and pick me up to go over their house, and usually end up bringing me home because my ride bailed. They know about the situation with my parents, and Kevin and his parents are there for me, and they let me know that they care. I'm so blessed to be marrying into this wonderful family, after all that I've gone through. And I love them as if they were my biological family, because they treat me better than my own family does.
So my present right now, is I'm getting a chance at something that I havent had in a long time. Happiness. A family. And love. And I would do anything for this family, because I love them. I can't say it enough. I love them. And Kevin, I can't even think about what my life would be like without him. I love him with all of my heart and beyond. And I love his mom and dad unconditionally.

Stay Tuned for my next post "My Future." It will be available for your reading shortly.

My Past.

My Past.

I was born May 27, 1992, to the people I'm forced to call parents. Notice how I say I'm forced to call parents. I don't technically consider them my parents now, at 17 and 1/2 years old because well, they don't act it. Some people may say that it's a teenager phase that I'm going through, or some may say I suffer from what's called Middle Child Syndrome but if you actually knew me as a person you would know otherwise.
We were all once one big happy, normal family. We as in my older sister, myself, my younger brother, and my parents of course. But along the timeline of events that have happened, something changed.
I grew up not well off, but I always had the things I needed to survive. I had recieved what I wanted for my birthdays and christmas, well maybe not everything, but the things that were reasonable and were appropriate for the age I was at when I was asking for a certain toy or item, I usually got.
I knew in 3rd grade that my parents were having difficulties. They were always fighting at home, and mom would be all upset when dad worked late or stayed out late for whatever reason. But I was completely blindsighted as to what that could lead to. At the beginning of 4th grade, I distincitively remember my dad calling my younger brother and I over to the computer table by our front door. He asked us if my mom had spoken to us yet, and we had no clue what he ment by that. Thats when my dad told us that he was moving out, and it had nothing to do with us, and he didn't want us to blame ourselves, and we would still see him every other weekend, and if we ever needed to talk to him we could always call him.
After dad moved out, I started seeing my elementary school guidance counclor Mr. B. I talked to him about everything. I'd walk into his office and we'd talk until I felt better, then he would pull out his Yahzee game, and we'd play that until he sent me back to class.
I saw my dad every other weekend like he had told me and my brother we would. We had to sleep in his room and he slept on the couch, and we had our own gamecube for our entertainment, and there were plenty of things to do outside and around the house he lived in because he lived on pretty much a farm. There we ducks, and 2 pigs, and chickens and roosters, and peacocks. There were also 2 dogs that later had puppies and lots of cats. I usually went and played with the animals while my brother played the gamecube.
Soon after I adjusted to dad not living at home, I was getting ready to graduate 5th grade. I was so exicted. My first big accomplishment besides singing in the 4th and 5th grade chorus. And I was even more exicted because my dad had promised to put his differences with my mom aside and be there to see me get my certificate.
The day of my 5th grade graduation, when I was sitting in my seat, I turned around to see my dad, and he wasnt there. My mom, brother, and sister were, but my dad wasnt. And after the ceremony, all my mom would say is "He had to work."
I was crushed.
Then my relationship with my mom turned bad in 6th grade when I came home from my first date with my first boyfriend and had my first real kiss, and saw my mom sitting on the couch with someone who wasnt my father. His name was Vincent. And his kissed my mom goodnight that night, then started buying her expensive wine glasses and bowls and everything else. But my parents werent divorced. They were just seperated. meaning still MARRIED.
My dad moved back in on my birthday in 6th grade. But I knew things were never going to be the same with him and my mom, or even the three of us. And I was right.
They fought over everything. Including who had to go to my chorus concerts, that were so important to me. They fought over who had to pay for something for me, and they still fought at home. And they werent sleeping in the same bed like they once had. My dad slept on the couch and my mom slept in the bed.
It was like that all 3 years of middle school. While they were fighting, I made friends with the wrong bunch, started smoking cigerettes, dated guys way older than me, and lashed out. Not because I thought it was cool, but because I needed some way to vent my anger.
My 8th grade graduation rolled around, and it wasnt even sure if i was going to graduate. But when the final grades were released it was noticed that I had brought my grades up high enough to graduate with the rest of the 8th graders. That took a lot of effort from my end of the stick, and it was hard, but I still did it. And I thought my parents would have been proud of me. Well it came down to the night of graduation and they still fought over who had to go to my graduation. My mom went, while everyone else claimed that they had to go buy presents for me, when all I got were cards. Not that I'm not grateful for the cards, but I would have rather had all of my family, including BOTH of my parents at my 8th grade graduation. And that night was especially hard for me, because back in 6th grade my boyfriend at the time was killed in a motercycle accident, and he was being remembered at our graduation.
I lashed out even more the summer before I entered high school. I started sneaking out at night, drinking, and lying to my parents. Of course somewhere in the middle of all that my friends and I all forgot to cover our own asses, and we all got caught and grounded. And I flipped out on my parents and that night I ran away to my best friends house. It didnt take my parents long to figure out where I was. Where else would a 14 yr old go when she was running away from home. When they found me, they yelled and screamed and hit me. I went to school the next day and told my guidance counclor and she called the cops.
My parents and I were put into councling. Not that it helped any, or maybe it did, but once a week we went to see my youth counclor. I also decided that maybe I needed to have some disipline in my life, and my high school offered NJROTC, so I decided to join. When I told my parents about how I joinned, thinking they would be happy for me, instead they scolded me on joinning things with a long term commitment.
Well I stayed in the program anyways. Not only to prove to my parents that I could handle it, but to prove to myself that I could change the way I was and the road I was driving down. And it turns out that I did change who I was, and I did change the road that I was driving down. And I also enjoyed being in ROTC. It was fun. And our commander and first sargent helped me tremendously.
I was still in choir, so I still had a few performances every year, and each time I hoped that maybe my parents would want to come. But they always fought over who had to go, and eventually stopped going all together. It was the same with ROTC events. We had a drill team just for freshmen and I was on it, and my dad came to one of our meets that was at a different school. I was the HAPPIEST person alive. All because my dad went to one event. And we placed third out of 26 teams, and it was the first time that we had placed that year. And I got to share that with my dad, and when he looked at me that day, he was beaming with pride.
My mom had promised to go to our meet when it was at my home school. well my sophmore year we had one and I was all exicted because my mom was going to go... Well, my older sister was getting married, and my mom was going dress shopping with her... She went to my meet, but only stayed for 10 mins and didnt even see me compete. And that broke my heart, because she was always putting my brother and sister before me. Their stuff came before mine. And it hurt me.
It went on like that for the rest of high school. I'm in the middle of my senior year now, and things are going really great with me school wise. I'm still in ROTC, I'm alto section leader in the level 3 choir, and I have high honors. But my parents still treat me like crap. I have a part time job working at a wendy's resturant, and I'm working on getting my license, my dad was supposed to pay for my drivers ed as a christmas gift for me, but now because my mom is always mad at me because I'm never home, she told him that he cant pay for it until she says its ok. And she brings me to work, and shes now asking me to start paying her gas money. They both go through my room whenever they need something and they just take it, and they make me pay for my own grocries. Along with part of my own cell phone bill, and in may when I turn 18 I have to get my own health insurance because the one I have now wont cover me any longer.

My new post entitled "My Present" will be available soon.